Expectations - for communication

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This series teaches you the basis for healthy and Unhealthy expectations.


You will learn:

  1. To build and receive and trust.
  2. To communicate more effectively
  3. To become a more humble and secure servant.
  4. The characteristics of a faith-filled person. 

The Pain and Power of Expectations - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

  1. Key to faith is the word “expectations”

    1. 100% of all arguments are about expectations

    2. 100% of all anger is about expectations

    3. 100% of all fear is about expectations

  2. Digging in the word makes a mighty Christian

  3. Daniel, for 70 years extended his faith for one thing; to restore Israel. Daniel expected for the kingdom to be restored, but everything he believed God for gets flushed down the toilet. With all his heart he expected God to restore Israel; He didn’t and he is depressed.

  4. Faith is expectation

  5. Synonyms for the phrase “positive expectations”: confidence, hope, desire, trust, dreams, hope for joy, vision, excitement, belief, FAITH

  6. Without FAITH it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6)

  7. Everybody has measures of trust

  8. In a marriage, you go up the stairs in the amount of trust, and sometimes we step down because our trust disappears. Trust is incremental. The word of God says it is a gift and must be earned. I Cor. 4:2

  9. Negative words for “positive expectations”: delusional, fantasy. A fantasy is when you have positive expectations based on reality that will not happen.

  10. Positive expectation is not always a good thing

  11. Synonyms for “negative expectations”: doubt, prejudice, doubt, hate, judgmental, fear

  12. Positive synonym for “negative expectation”: cautious, prudent (book of Proverbs). In order to be wise, you have to learn negative expectations.

  13. Anytime someone quickly makes a deep commitment, they are not to be trusted

  14. What are your positive expectations of people?

  15. Expectations examples - A pastor should…be cheerful, care about his people, speak the truth, be approachable, good communication skills, be confident, be humble, leadership skills, love the Lord

  16. Expectations examples - You see the wife, you see the whole man

  17. Expectations examples - We Christians are not supposed to NEED people

  18. Expectations examples - Parents should…protect their kids, be understanding, pray a lot, love their kids, and have patience

  19. Parents are the pride of their children. The whole soul of the child is for their mommy and daddy to be proud of them. When it is not, it becomes a need based expectation and feeling of rejection for the child.

  20. The degree of your reaction to unmet expectations is the degree of emptiness in your own soul. The issue is not did they meet your expectations, the issue is did it depress you, did it enrage you? The emptier your soul is, the more you have NEED based expectations. Half of your reaction is self-hatred, you are so mad at yourself that you gave your whole being to this man and he rejected you. You hate that you NEED them and they didn’t meet you and you hate yourself for needing their approval.

  21. Only the Lord satisfies my soul

  22. 50 years of marriage means 2.5 million negotiations

  23. What happens when someone doesn’t meet our expectations: less trust, pain, hurt, rejections, anger, disappointment

  24. 100% of all arguments are about expectations. 100% of all anger is about expectations. Angry people’s first words are “you should have…” Rage is, “I really needed you to do that…I can’t live if you do that…”

  25. Is strong pain a legitimate reaction to unmet expectations?

  26. You can choose to expect the best and if it’s wrong, it’s not a big deal and I’m not hurt

  27. The degree of my reaction is the degree of emptiness in my soul

  28. Our expectations of God and expectations of people are intertwined

  29. Your relationship with Christians is your relationship with Jesus

  30. You cannot have faith in God and not trust people. The Bible says that the older you get, the more trusting you ought to get. Jesus said be innocent as doves and smart as the Devil.

  31. Never try to change anybody. We don’t even try to change heathens. Only God can turn a heathen soul to a child of God. Learn secure boundaries. You can’t be best buds with everyone. You will work into a relationship level and will work into a place where expectations are different. You are commanded to have a heart of peace with all men and to love every person. It’s not about the person; it’s about you and your expectations.

Secrets of a Secure Servant - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

  1. Expectation is the essence of faith

  2. Expectation in one word is “should

  3. Should = have to

  4. Every ounce of anger is about “should”

  5. Expectation is the wisdom of not trusting certain people

  6. Expectation is the exposer of the emptiness in my soul

  7. All true friendship has to be birthed out of processing and negotiating expectations, even marriage

  8. First secret of a secure servant – they know the way to San Jose! San Jose represents the peace of God and LA represents the world and its busyness. You were born in the Kingdom of God in the fullness of faith.

  9. What would you look like if you were full of faith?

  10. The first sign of someone full of faith: they don’t have any anger or frustration towards anyone, no complaints, nothing negative in their hearts towards a single human being

  11. The second sign, no desire to change anyone; a light heart full of love for all people all the time

  12. The goal of all Christians – heart full of love towards everyone, zero anger, zero frustration

  13. Get rid of every ounce of anger in your life; get rid of bitterness, rage, and slander. Be kind and compassionate, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)

  14. Bless those who persecute you, rejoice with those who rejoice, live in harmony with each other. Do not repay evil for evil. Live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:14-16)

  15. The goal is PEACE

  16. You can tell a starving Christian who is chewing their own wounds: “That’s all I got”

  17. People in poverty of souls have no friends, but a rich friend has all the friends you can desire. A rich friend has a light heart. It’s an attractive thing and if you want to be rich you could let go of the shoe leather that you’re chewing on again and again.

  18. Secure servants never lie to themselves about the truth that the degree of my negative reaction has to do with someone else

  19. We have deep soul needs; a need for intimacy, a need for productivity, a need for affirmation. We are commanded to bring our needs to no one but God - not asked, but commanded.

  20. You are upset because you believed God could meet that need but He did not, and you asked someone else to meet that need

  21. The word of God says to never ask a person to meet your needs

  22. When your soul is empty, you move fast. What you move fast towards is what you believe will have your need met. But the Bible says you will only have your needs met at the throne of Christ. 

Secure Servants Don't Have to Please Anyone - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

  1. Every interaction has expectations that have to be processed and negotiated

  2. The terror of every husband: “You should have known…”

  3. None of us have suffered a lot. Because we haven’t suffered a lot, we whine louder. The truth is, I’ve been hurt a little. I haven’t suffered a lot.

  4. “I’m angry because”…is a lie. “I’m hurt because…” is mostly not true. When you say “I am upset because…” at the core you have denied responsibility. When you give your need to another human being, that’s what causes the reaction.

  5. Relationships are supposed to overflow from a desire to enrich each other

  6. The deeper issue is you were counting on them to fulfill your soul because you didn’t believe God could fill your soul

  7. Every pain issue starts with, “God, I need you…”

  8. Is it ok as a Christian to please other people?

  9. Trust is a GIFT

  10. Secure servants don’t HAVE TO please any person. Faith-filled means being secure.

  11. God is calling you to a place of hunger

  12. Insecure is lack of faith or less faith; insecure at its core is very self-centered

  13. What does the word secure mean? Secure means SAFE.

  14. The image of a secure husband is this…he looks at his wife and says “I will always adore you, I will treat you like a queen, and I will passionately seek the Lord’s presence. I will also never commit to the will of the Lord until we have heard God together. I will bless your soul, and treat you like no other man has ever treated a woman.”

  15. The healthier the marriage, you don’t NEED your wife; you don’t NEED your husband. You are already satisfied by God.

  16. Leaders have to listen to Gods voice through His people

  17. The more secure you are the more blunt you become

  18. A secure servant has NO FEAR in displeasing anyone

  19. I discovered when my fear disappeared in pleasing people; my soul was filled with the Lord’s faith

Secure Servants Negotiate Clearly and Early - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

  1. You are commanded to not need anyone but God. He’s the only one you need and He’s the only one that satisfies your desires and can quench your thirst.

  2. The more secure you are, the richer your soul is. Secure people are attractive; they’re givers.

  3. The more you want to change a person, the more they resist

  4. If you are made in the image of God then you receive love like God receives love

  5. The painful part of receiving love like God receives love is that you have to WAIT

  6. Your job is not to teach the word of God, it is to teach people how to study the word of God

  7. An attractive offer can include discipline

  8. All frustration with other people is about making them do what you want them to do

  9. You can negotiate change but you cannot make people change

  10. People don’t do what you want them to do because you haven’t listened to their heart, and your offer wasn’t attractive. But you can negotiate change as long as you are willing to give change in your heart.

  11. Secure servants negotiate clearly and EARLY. They commit to nothing until they know exactly what they’re getting into.

  12. Discipline your child and they will give you peace and they will be a delight to your soul, starting at 12 months old (Proverbs 29:17)! Teach them not to be served but to serve. Your job is to bring peace into the room and be a delight. Once you missed the window the first five years, you no longer can make them change! If not, you have to make an attractive offer and negotiate. Your child knows the parents’ flaws better than anyone else.

  13. All men in the flesh are bullies. Men being bullies run from anybody seeing what they’re really like.

  14. The offer of salvation is the most beautiful offer of mankind

What We Can Expect from Jesus - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

  1. Don't need any person; the more dysfunctional society gets the more people cling to a relationship that is a gift and not a source of life

  2. No human relationship is ever supposed to be need based

  3. You don't have to please any person

  4. You can’t make people change

  5. Wisdom/Understanding is Gods will for you

  6. Emotional well being and your souls wealth is God's will for you

  7. Financially blessed, Godly children, great marriage, to be appreciated, to be respected, fulfilling career, laughter are all of God's will for you

  8. Establish what your expectations are in your marriage

  9. Two shall become one, so hear God together and come to an agreement

  10. Hear God together

  11. God offers eternal life

  12. Enthusiastic means God inside

  13. Teenagers are weird hybrids who are extremely arrogant and extremely insecure

  14. Humility is the doorway to knowing the King

  15. Faith - performance orientation, God demands two things: (1) never blame any person for your lack of life, and (2) have Faith (relaxed, confidence, and light hearted)

Be Humble and Relaxed - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

  1. Faith is extremely measurable. It is life giving and yet constricting of the flesh

  2. When you have faith you are relaxed

  3. Expectation of a secure servant is a combination of humble and relaxed

  4. You can’t be bitter, be co-dependent and be relaxed

  5. Chill out, you’ll live longer!

  6. Do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded (Hebrews 10:35).

  7. When you are humble and relaxed, you will never quit

  8. Being humble and relaxed is being assured and certain for what we hope for.

  9. Risk takers are relaxed; they have to be like Abraham.

  10. Look at someone and say, let me encourage them! 

Relaxed - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

  1. Every husband hates to be disrespected, and absolutely hates for his wife to be uptight

  2. The ultimate husband is God and if you are uptight you are defaming Him

  3. Your soul and your body restores when you are relaxed

  4. You hear God in your sleep

  5. God created us to complete vulnerability and complete to hear His voice during rest

  6. Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts (Hebrews 3:15).

  7. Do we ask God what will please Him today or do we decide what will please Him today?

  8. Rest is internal and external. Which comes first? Internal rest or external rest? Internal rest!

  9. Any decision that is made in the busyness is the wrong decision. You wait until you get calm and make right decisions.

  10. LAZY - people that are anxious for extended period times is because they are comfortable

  11. Easier to get caught up in busyness than to slow down

  12. You never get to rest unless you have a clean heart and nothing takes more work than a clean heart

  13. Purpose of worship is for the word to come into your hearts

  14. Take the greatest point of pain