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MS pt. 25 - How God Made Men and Women Different (part 1) - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

Marriage in Depth part 6: How God Made Men and Women Different (Part 1) by John Fichtner


  1. Scripture references: Ephesians 5:33, 1 Peter 3, 1Corinthians 11:7, Joshua 5

  2. We will be studying how God made men & woman different.

  3. Men have 5 times as much gray matter in the area of general intelligence than women do; Gray matter specializes in blocking distractions or strenuous information.

  4. Women have 10 times as much white matter (integrate all the information) related to general intelligence; White matter is the phone lines of the brain. It represents the networking of connections between processing centers.

  5. A woman understands and sees all the data and feels all the emotions; they are able to perceive all that and unable to block out any of that. They summarize it all into one overview big picture.

  6. Men cannot do big picture; they do single focus. Big picture is always relationships.

  7. Men have up to 20 times testosterone (aggressive conquer hormone) levels as women.

  8. Everything is a competition with men.

  9. Women and men have their own language inside and out.

  10. The brain is the doorway to the soul and the spirit. The doorway that God moves through.

  11. The male brain is highly specialized.

  12. The woman’s soul, mind & heart are massively complex. God made you complex.

  13. God made men simple; a man can take a switch and turn off any emotion at any second in any relationship.

  14. Assumptions are the birthplace of wounds and pain in relationships.

  15. For a man to deal with emotional issues there must be very clear structure and a guaranteed win; Men don’t deal with why; they deal with what, what is the next thing that I can do to win?

  16. The average man is 1000 times for single focused than woman. It is not that he can’t grasp all the related issues, he cant. Its not that the woman wont shut off all the motions, she can’t.

  17. Men have only to words in his soul: success & failure

  18. You can no more change a man than you can change God!

  19. Men are very fragile. Everything is, am I a success or a failure for them.

  20. When a man hears the word failure he can hear nothing else. Everything in him shuts down.

  21. Men live their lives asking one question; what is the shortest route to victory?

  22. I am going to teach you about the soul of a man! Men are so simple!

  23. You can require by the Word of God for your husband to walk in agreement with you in making decisions but you can never require him to completely understand you.

  24. You do not have a right to expect men to understand you; you speak 17 different languages. Men barely speak 1 language.

  25. This is why God gave women girlfriends. Your husband CANNOT understand you!

  26. Men cannot under orders of the King ever make a decision unless the two of you are in agreement. Never make a decision apart from oneness!

  27. In every situation a man walks in and asks who’s in charge, what he really means is who is stronger.

  28. The quickest route to victory is for one person to be in charge.

  29. You make every decision with your teammate together. The boss “says if you make decisions together I’m for you. If you ever make a decision apart from that woman, I’ll take you down.”

  30. Respect for a woman is weight of words. Don’t ever dismiss my words.

  31. When you use a sharp tone of voice with a man, you’re the enemy and you must die! Either a man is for you or against you; there is no middle ground.

  32. Ladies don’t turn your men against you. He is a violin that is so easy to play. Give him one specific thing and tell him how he can win it.

  33. Women, if you have unresolved issues in your heart to discuss with your man, start with the simplest and less complex.

  34. When you talk it through and win, never bring up two subjects in a month. If you’re smart bring up two a year; you have to pick and choose your battles! Let him win!!

  35. Compliment your man publicly!!! No matter what you say, put an (-est) on the end and you’ll do well. (Ex: best, hardest)

  36. All men want to be your hero! When he does something for you and you don’t cheer him on he won’t do it again because he doesn’t feel like the hero.

  37. Hope for success in a marriage. Men are so simple; they don’t want to know why, they want to know what.

  38. Men, there are two things that will help you win every battle and you will have the best marriage and kids: (1) never make a decision apart from oneness with your wife & (2) you also integrate a framework of a healthy church with teammates.

  39. Work becomes the man’s soul because its clear defined I won today. Sex is, I won.

  40. When a wife is cheerful, everyone looks at the husband and says that he must be a good husband. When a woman is sour and negative everyone looks at the man and calls him a jerk.

  41. When men are sour and negative they look at the woman and say you poor thing.

  42. No man will ever study the Word of God unless there is something to be won.

  43. Anytime a wife disobeys God to satisfy her husband she is guaranteeing that he will never serve Christ.

  44. No man ever comes to Jesus until he is broken.

  45. The essence of all sin is self-control

MS pt. 26 - How God Made Men and Women Different (part 2) - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

Marriage in Depth part 7: How God Made Men and Women Different (Part 2) by John Fichtner

  1. Scripture references: Titus 2:4 & 5, Colossians 3, Genesis 3:16, Genesis 2: 24, John 3:16, Malachi 2,

  2. Men are 1000 more times single focused "win" oriented than woman are; It's a good and godly thing!

  3. Men have only two words in their souls and they are success and failures.

  4. Men live their lives asking one question, what is the shortest route to victory? This is how God created men.

  5. Today is the day when you have to get off the fence! Make up your mind on who makes the decisions.

  6. These verses that discuss wives obeying their husbands were a cultural concession to the hardness of men's hearts.

  7. Cultural concessions are God saying don't distract from the gospel.

  8. PJ's observation on marriages: without exception, every single marriage where the man or the woman believes that this is Gods plan (not a cultural concession) in every case there was decay in that marriage.

  9. Genesis 3:16, is the primary purpose verse on marriage and the most important verse.

  10. Unredeemed men are bullies.

  11. Men, the shortest route to victory is to look your wife in the eye and say, "you don't speak for God and I don't speak for God and as the head of this home, I am responsible to enforce God's rule and God's rule is that we are one in all decisions."

  12. The deceptive assumption of the female soul: You keep hoping that one day he'll want oneness too. This is sloppy leadership is where you don't define the rules upfront

  13. Men are vastly superior to women in leadership.

  14. The whole concept of marriage is that you both have things to learn from each other.

  15. Head of the home means responsible, not decision-making.

  16. Great leadership skills is, define the rules early and clearly.

  17. Agreement is easy! Negotiation is key.

  18. Agreement is: if I'm neutral it is your preference and if you're neutral it is my preference. Of course you have different preferences that is why you have to negotiate.

  19. To negotiate well you have to understand the person that you are negotiating with.

MS pt. 27 - How God Made Men and Women Different (part 3) - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

Marriage in Depth part 8: How God Made Men and Women Different (Part 3) by John Fichtner


  1. Scripture references: 1 Peter 3:7, Ephesians 5:33, 1 Chronicles 12, 1 Thessalonians 4: 12, Leviticus 19:32, Lamentations 5:12, Malachi 1:6, Ephesians 5: 33,

  2. The husband is commanded to respect his wife under the threat of the Lord cutting him off. The wife is also commanded to respect her husband.

  3. A man is either for you or against you. A woman should be afraid of what will happen in her home if she turns her husband against her.

  4. Demanding respect is a biblical concept.

  5. Respect is conditional only!

  6. If you have not wrestled through the tithe, you have not wrestled through who owns you.

  7. God did not request the tithe; He demanded it.

  8. A person who understands on leadership that you have to demand respect completely separate from earning it is a secure leader.

  9. Strength is attracted to strength!

  10. A person who understands that you must earn respect is a skilled servant. Not just a servant but ‘skilled’ servant.

  11. When someone demands respect but does not have equal measure of earning we call them a bully.

  12. What is a person whose leg of earning respect but their leg of demanding respect is short; they are a child. An eager to please, insecure child.

  13. The Word of God says that respect is earned; the Word of God says that respect is demanded.

  14. The Word of God is what separates us from society.

  15. Pray for two equally strong legs.

MS pt. 28 - How God Made Men and Women Different (part 4) - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

Marriage in Depth part 9: How God Made Men and Women Different (Part 4) by John Fichtner


  1. Your prayer at the beginning of a sermon to receive the Word, God doubly speaks to you.

  2. Every point of tension relationally that you’ve ever had was not being a complete and healthy person in both legs of earning respect and demanding respect, which is a secure servant.

  3. Take a stance and stop bouncing from one leg to the other.

  4. All demanding of respect needs to be birthed out of wells of sadness not out of anger and abrasiveness and it needs to be very calm, confident and clear.

  5. Nobody grows two equally strong and healthy legs in less than 30 yrs.

  6. God says that He grows ‘deep’ truths in our hearts!

  7. Pain is your teacher!

  8. The Bible says that respect is earned and respect is demanded.

  9. Here is a test that 90% of people fail. Which comes first earning or demanding respect? Demanding respect

  10. Demanding respect is positional. (Will respect me because I am a woman, man, parent, pastor, etc)

  11. Demanding respect is a secure servant!

  12. Earning respect is a skilled servant!

  13. Demanding respect is the biblical concept of boundaries.

  14. Demanding respect or setting boundaries are meant to bring your life to a place of peace, less strife and more fruit for Jesus.

  15. A man believes that the relationships are defined by rules and expectations.

  16. When you set rules and boundaries in the beginning you cannot change them. If you do, you are a liar and a deceiver.

  17. You set early on what’s expected of each other.

  18. You demand respect because it is what God wants.

  19. Demanding respect ought to be limited to very few areas in your life.

  20. How do you demand respect with calmness and security? (a) you have to not need the relationship; (b) you have to have confidence in your skill as a servant; (c) you have to have clarity.

  21. Love is a giving word!

  22. The world tells us that we ‘need’ another human being.

  23. Jesus is all you need!!!

  24. To say that you can’t live without someone is an idol.

  25. Relationships are not your life, they’re dessert, they’re an extra.

  26. You will not ever be able to draw boundaries of demanding respect if you think you need the individual person. You will be trapped in insecurity.

  27. ARP is – Advice Requires Permission

  28. The fruit in the lives of those who do not tithe and stay in a small group will backslide within 10 years.

MS pt. 29 - How God Made Men and Women Different (part 5) - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

Marriage in Depth part 10: How God Made Men and Women Different (Part 5) by John Fichtner


  1. Scripture references: Genesis 3:17, 1 Chronicles 12, Psalm 20:4, James 4:15, 2 Timothy 2:15, Proverbs 18:13, 2 Corinthians 7:4, 1 Corinthians 11:7, 1 Peter 3:7, 2 Corinthians 12:24,

  2. Winning a heart is a lifetime art!

  3. When you win your mates heart you win Jesus’ heart!

  4. People divorce because they don’t like each other anymore because they stopped trying to win each other’s hearts.

  5. People stop arguing in a marriage because they miss the sweet times.

  6. People don’t stop arguing in a marriage because there are no sweet times to miss.

  7. You have to wrestle through what your non-negotiable of demanding respect are in your soul.

  8. You have to wrestle through with mates, friends, and coworkers on what earning respect or winning their heart means.

  9. Every man craves in his soul for a woman to see him as a success!

  10. If you see your man as a success that means you have said it non-stop everyday for the rest of your life. If you haven’t said it in public then that means you don’t believe it.

  11. Four points on earning a man’s heart:

    1. If you want a mans undivided attention don’t be cruel, ask for his undivided attention don’t demand it.

    2. Use male words [strategize, options & preferences].

    3. Use –est compliments [best, strongest, bravest].

    4. You may not make a decision unless you and your mate are in agreement.

  12. Men always want to be the best!

  13. This is what good counsel is biblically:

    1. Every time someone seeks your counsel you never start with pointing out what they could have done better, give 4 to 5 positives first. You counsel through praises.

    2. Ask him to expand his strategies. When its time to give negatives to a man. You calmly give cause & effect; give options.

    3. When someone has wronged your husband (do not tell them to suck it up. Do not take up the offense). He wants you to be proud of him.

  14. Men, it is your job to train your wife how to respond to you.

  15. When people seek your counsel they are really asking you what you think of them.

  16. Men are intimidated by their wives.

  17. Giving your man praises is biblical counseling, its kindness, graciousness, & humility.

  18. When men hear failure, all hope of him being a success is completely gone.

  19. Don’t be discouraged that you can’t get all this done today because winning a heart is a lifetime art.

  20. Ladies, take a lifetime and learn how to play your husband like a violin. God sent him to make music in your life.

  21. The man is responsible for his soul & your soul; this is a huge weight to carry.

  22. The difference between complaining and processing; processing happens once and concludes with an action plan to solve the situation.

  23. Four ways for men to win their wives hearts:

    1. Important phrase: “If I hear you heart”

    2. Use attractive compliments (get 4 or 5 good compliments and recycle them)

    3. A woman’s home is her body. If her home is ugly & messy, she feels that she is ugly & messy.

    4. Her children come first; Men, beware of being the extra child.

  24. God starts with male words and then finishes with female words.

  25. The best compliment for a man is that he is the hardest worker that you’ve ever seen.

  26. Never go 30 minutes with your wife without telling her that she is beautiful inside and out over and over again. Half physical & half soul!

  27. A pretty woman needs a pretty house!

  28. We are adults and our job is to minister to our children first. Don’t fight it cheer her on.

  29. The best thing for your kids is to have sweetness in your marriage.

MS pt. 30 - How God Made Men and Women Different (part 6) - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

Marriage in Depth part 11: How God Made Men and Women Different (Part 6) by John Fichtner


  1. Scripture references: Ephesians 5:31, Genesis 2, 1 Thessalonians 2: 6-8 & 10-12,

  2. You are going to leave your in-laws; you can do it easy or you can do it hard. If you don’t separate God will separate you.

  3. The two will not become one until there is a leave; you must leave before you can cleave.

  4. To have healthy boundaries with your in-laws you have to have a healthy soul.

  5. Every parent is a temporary representative of God. They are no longer your mother or father once you are married.

  6. Our goal as parents to become your child’s friends in their 20’s & 30’s

  7. Be prepared to release your children!

  8. It is normal biblically to have strife with your extended family so have patience.

  9. The only two words in a man’s soul are win and lose!

  10. 30% of women in their hearts are warriors first and lovers second.

  11. All men are warriors first and lovers second.

  12. Men have to have a goal and a structure in their bible study. That means everyday he will win. He set the goal; met the goal; and won.

  13. We need just one verse a day that the Holy Spirit illuminates in our lives.

  14. Don’t set a goal that’s going to cause you to fail.

  15. A man has to win something!

MS pt. 31 - How God Made Men and Women Different (part 7) - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

Marriage in Depth part 12: How God Made Men and Women Different (Part 7) by John Fichtner


  1. Scripture references: Mt. 15:19, Rom. 13:13, I Cor. 5, I Cor. 6:13-19, Gal. 5:19, Eph. 5:3, Eph. 5:5, Col. 3:5, I Thess. 4:3-4, Heb. 12:16, Heb.13: 4, Jude 1:4, Jude 1:7, I Tim. 3:6

  2. The issue of sex is a battle over the worth and the value of the human soul.

  3. Every time you think about lusting after someone who is not your mate, you have agreed to his Satan’s foundational concept.

  4. Satan is saying that you are an animal, every time he says that sex is good outside of marriage.

  5. Satan will try to tell you that you have no other passions and that sex is the essence of who you are.

  6. Every time that you have agreed with the thought that sex outside of marriage is good you have agreed that you are an animal.

  7. To think that sex is good outside of marriage is to say that there is no God.

  8. Satan desires to prove that sex is good outside of marriage through repetitive stimulation of the physical body.

  9. Satan will use TV and movies to tell you 50 million times that sex outside of marriage is good.

  10. God says that you are worth His Son dying on the Cross for you. You have value!

  11. Sex is a gift that God gives as a reward of the Covenant.

  12. Sex is all about trust!

  13. Once you are married do you keep as one of the top two highest passions in your life that your mate is going to be the most sexually satisfied person on this planet? If you don’t then you are not a person who can be trusted. You have lost sight of God.

  14. Sex in a marriage is a like Worship in your walk with Christ. Sex is not an extra.

  15. The sweetest and most powerful time to worship is when things aren’t going good.

  16. If you do nothing else well, learn to worship.

  17. Worship is the first and most fierce thing.

  18. In almost all cases of men having an affair it is because in most cases they have wives that do not joyfully and freely gives sex; It’s a fierce point of judgment on the wife that does not understand that it is the reward of the Covenant.

  19. We need to understand the spiritual dynamics behind sex.

  20. Satisfying your mate should be on the top of your list, let the kids rot in their rooms if you have to.

  21. When you have sex outside of marriage the Bible says that it’s not just joining of bodies but you have also joined souls.

  22. Every person that you’ve ever had sex with unless you break it by the Blood of Jesus Christ, all of their demons, all of their curses, all of their deception has a legal hold on your soul.

  23. If you don’t break it by name (renounce it) you will go through life wondering why all the struggles, why you aren’t willing to enjoy sex, why you always feel ashamed. Its because you still have the people demons who have legal rights.

  24. The soul ties must be broken. When you have sex its not just union of bodies but union of souls.

  25. You cannot separate your body from your soul.

  26. The act of sex is more than just an orgasm it’s a union of two people. You literally own their soul from the time you have sex with them.

  27. It feels like you loose 50 -100lbs with every soul tie that you break.

  28. We must learn to control our own bodies in a way that’s honorable and holy.

  29. Sexually immoral is godless!

  30. When you give your body to someone, they now control your soul!

MS pt. 32 - How God Made Men and Women Different (part 8) - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

Marriage in Depth part 13: How God Made Men and Women Different (Part 8) by John Fichtner


  1. Scripture references: 1 Corinthians 7: 1-6

  2. Take a stance that when the Word of God is clear you do not debate with the Word of God!

  3. Confession: I belong to Jesus Christ and when the Word of God is clear, I don’t debate, I don’t argue and I will not rebel.

  4. Sex has become a perversion of the norm.

  5. Pastors see the consequences in marriages because of sexual perversion.

  6. God’s mercy is forward focused.

  7. If you have been screwed up sexually, your soul has become warped, welcome to the 90 percentile; you are of the vast majority.

  8. There are only about 10% in society that have had purity and a health sexually.

  9. The Bible tells us that taking care of our spouses sexually is not an option.

  10. Sex is the thermometer of how healthy you are.

  11. Sex is the ultimate act of giving.

  12. Sex is not for you but for your mate.

  13. You don’t have to feel to give!

  14. If you don’t enjoy sex with your married partner then there is something very wrong with you.

  15. In obeying Jesus, it starts with your married sex life because when you keep the marriage bed pure and honored by all, Hebrews 13: 5 says your marriage will always be intoxicating.

  16. A person who does not take care of their mate sexually is the same as someone who refuses to feed their children. It is a heinous rebellion.

  17. The question that obliterates all game and fog is how hard will I work to get healed if I have been wounded sexually?

  18. If you don’t get your sex life fantastic you will kill your children. The curses will be so real and dominant.

  19. Say that for your own health and marriage, you have to get healed!

  20. If you will deal with these issue now while the heart is soft it will be easier.

  21. Is refusing to take care of your mate sexually grounds for divorce? Yes, most theologians say it is. PJ thinks, that it doesn’t matter because you will be divorced.

  22. PJ tells married couples when they come to him about their mates not having sex with them to throw them out in the street and tell the whole world why.

  23. You no longer have ownership over your own body but you and your mate share ownership over your body.

  24. Your body was already bought and paid for and it belongs to Jesus.

  25. Confession: When the Word of God is clear I don’t debate, I don’t argue and when I am commanded something fiercely by God I say, “yes Sir, please give me grace and mercy and show me how to obey you!

  26. Confession: In the name of Jesus Christ I honor the word of God, I obey the Word of God, that everything in my life will glorify my King! In Jesus name, Amen!

  27. There is warfare over your sex life. Your sex life is a protection over your marriage.

  28. Of course you will be divorced in 10 years if you mess around with sex and you will get what you deserved.

  29. It’s a fierce and heinous thing to deny your mate sexually!

  30. No mate should ever go 48 much less 72 hrs if their mate wants sex without doing everything in their schedule to take care of their mate.

  31. The thermometer says if you enjoy it then you’re a healthy soul.

  32. When you begin to have sex with your mate, the essence of Gods plan is I will delight you, I will show you how sweet God is and how much God is in love with you.

  33. Paul is urging the church to wake up because it is a battle for your life. Sex is not an extra. It is a responsibility, a duty.

  34. You have no more rights apart from your mate!

  35. Your bodies are mutual ownership.

  36. The Lord Jesus Christ owns your body then he leases it out to you and your mate in a shared ownership.

  37. When your mate says that they want to have sex, you really don’t have a choice. If you can’t at that moment come to an agreement on when you can.

  38. I am horrified at the medical ignorance of the female species. Which is worse (chemically), a woman on PMS or a man that hasn’t had sex for more than 3 days. The answer is, they are equal.

  39. It doesn’t matter if no one taught you this!

  40. When a man’s sperm is backed up, it goes into his adrenal gland, when that happens every emotion is a thousand times louder, there is passion and anger.

  41. When you turn down a man sexually his whole system is out of whack and screwed up.

  42. When you judge a man because he is more attentive and affectionate when he is horny you are judging God. When you start judging God you’re in big trouble.

  43. God made man this way.

  44. When your man cannot be fascinating with you then some other woman will be fascinating.

  45. Make your man a success!

MS pt. 33 - How God Made Men and Women Different (part 9) - UD


Pastor John Fichtner

Marriage in Depth part 14: How God Made Men and Women Different (Part 9) by John Fichtner


  1. Scripture references: Proverbs 5, Genesis 3:16

  2. Gods single purpose in marriage is that the two become one.

  3. You only have as much authority as God gives you.

  4. Everyone only has Gods authority.

  5. Jesus’ order is that you two agree on everything.

  6. If you feel like you can’t agree on something, God says make something happen so that you can agree.

  7. God made your bodies to wear out after two hours of an argument because its his gift to you that physical weariness enhances humility.

  8. Never give a bully a loophole!

  9. Immoral sex ties you to people for years.

  10. Do you passions control you or do your passions serve you in serving others?

  11. You throw away any boundaries on sex you also throw away all your prosperity and all the blessings of God because you had no desire to have very strong boundaries.

  12. It is a command to know your mate and to thrill them.

  13. Learn and know your mate.

  14. Who you are in Christ is tested in the marriage.

  15. Who you are in the marriage is who you really are.

  16. When you are self-centered you will be destitute quickly.